Our little family is on a road trip together this weekend. One day’s four hour drive and the next day’s six hour drive (with a one-year-old in the back seat) are almost complete, and I’ve only wanted to bang my head on the window a few times during the thousandth rendition of “The Wheels on the Bus.” The wipers. Swish. Swish. Swish. Please: Make. Them. Stop.
We’re headed west to a camp near Amarillo for a family reunion. It’s that season, where families get together and eat watermelon and try to figure out how distant cousins are related: Are you my first cousin twice removed or my second cousin once removed?
That may get a little interesting to explain at this one, because when asked how we’re related, we have a slightly awkward answer: We’re not.
That’s right, we’re attending a family reunion for a family we’re not even related to. Remember the movie “Wedding Crashers?” That’s us. We’re crashing some other family’s reunion.
This story goes back a few years to when my iHusband Jim was in college at Texas Tech. Jim grew up in a faithful Christian family in a very loving Methodist Church. But like a lot of us, he hit college not really owning his faith for himself. A year or so into it he had exhausted all the usual college options for trying to fill oneself up when not looking to Christ for fulfillment. He was tired of the party scene and tired of the story he was living. That’s when he met Kim. Kim was a clarinet player in the Tech band. Jim played saxophone. Their friendship led to spiritual conversations, and Kim re-introduced Jim to Jesus one night sitting on the hood of a car in a university parking lot. That one conversation changed his life story, and, down the road, it changed mine as well. Kim invited him to the Wesley Foundation, an amazing campus ministry dedicated to growing strong Christian leaders. That’s where my husband was really discipled, grew in his faith, and became the amazing Christian man I know and love today.
Kim is part of a big family. Her dad is one of four children, and between those four siblings there are ten granddaughters. That’s right, her generation is all girls, no boys. At least four of the girls were in college at Tech at the same time, and they all included Jim in their friendships, mischief, and fun. He went home with them on vacation and holidays, got to know their parents and grandparents, and somehow got unofficially adopted. They were excited to have a grandson at last. Once or twice someone in the family wondered which of the girls Jim was dating, but the truth was he was in love with all of them, with this whole crazy, fun family that loves Jesus and each other and truly enjoys being together.
Over time he’s been to reunions, birthday parties, ushered at weddings and even been given a copy of the family genealogy that one of the uncles wrote up. They think they may have even found a way that Jim is actually distantly related somehow! When we married, Kim’s husband Tom was Jim’s best man. Their daughter was our flower girl. That summer the whole group welcomed me with open arms at my first family reunion. Their grandmother gave me a big hug and told me how happy they were that “their boy” had found someone so wonderful.
I remember learning that the family we grow up in is called our “family of origin.” Much of our identity, our traits, strengths, baggage, hangups, and the trajectory our life heads in is formed in this family. We start a new family when we get married and have kids. I call that our “family of destination.” Although it’s influenced by our experience in our family of origin, this is where we get to write our own script of what we believe family should look like for ourselves and our kids. Jim and I are blessed with wonderful families of origin. And we’ve begun writing the script for our family of destination that I think Drew will grow up to be proud of.
But I believe there’s a third circle of family we experience in life. Think of it as a “family of choice.” These people are sometimes related to us by blood, but often are people we just choose to spend our lives with. Their presence in our lives is more based on choice and conscious effort than convenience. We choose them because there are things we love about them that we may not have found in our own families. The time we spend with them over the years means we have a good chance of absorbing the traits that drew us to them in the first place. That’s a kind of heredity no one taught about in my genetics classes in college: we can choose to inherit the traits of those we love and admire without any DNA linkages causing us to do so.
That’s what we’re doing here this weekend. Being with our family. Exploring our inheritance. This family helped make my husband who he is, and by doing so gave Drew and me a wonderful gift. If someone asks me this weekend how we’re related I might just say: “In the most important way of all.” And leave it at that.
Do you have friends that you consider as close as family members? How did that relationship come about?
I do have friends who are like family, and some of them are people I play music with, especially the four I was in a band with for about 10 years. In that time we went through job losses and changes, major illnesses, deaths in our families of origin # many of the sorrows and joys of life # with each other. We met because of the music, and playing it is still a balm in our lives, but we also developed a deep love and trust through talking about what was going on in our lives at the beginning of rehearsal time, and on long drives to and downtime during the music festivals where we played. There’s no group of people I laugh harder with, and if I were in a pinch and needed help, some of these folks are some of the people I would call.
Someone once asked me ( in reference to a lost relationship partner) “how do you grieve someone who you’ve loved so much their in your DNA?” I think about that often. It does feel like people of our “family of choice” actually seep into our DNA and become inextricably intertwined in our being. I am blessed in all three of my family circles, praise God!
Thanks for sharing. I’m reminded of, and, after reading this, feeling overwhelming peace from having my 3 family circles. God has been working on me more and more about the “family of choice” part. Can’t really put into words what He’s doing, but I’m hopeful… and now excited!
I’m glad you’re sharing your writings and blogging. Have a great family reunion!
Definitely! My best friend and I met while volunteering at the methodist children’s home in Waco. We immediately connected and have been involved in each other’s families ever since. She is actually the first person I talkedto about quitting ministry. Some were surprised I hadn’t talked to many pastors, but there were very few who actually invested in getting to know me. They weren’t yet part of my “family of choice.” I definitely agree- there are people who come into your life that become your family, and sometimes they become more involved and influential than your biological family.
My Family of Choice is most definitely the members of the church where I grew up and where my mother still attends today- both the kids my age and their parents. We have seen each other through the best and worst times of our lives- both our communal church life and our individual lives. I don’t think my recently divorced mother had the slightest clue what she was starting when she went to her neighborhood church for the first time when I was about 3 years old, but my experiences there shaped and formed me into the Christian woman I am today.
Jessica – I dont know if you remember us, but you talked to my stepdaughter, husband, newborn son, and me before their Baptisms on June 26th. You were amazing with Brynn and really made us feel at home. The day was amazing and her mother, and her family all came and it was such a beautiful, bringing together of the families. Thank you for this post and touching home. I truly feel, that through difficult situations, you can find family with ex-spouses/God/etc. and you are a blessing and inspirational mother/pastor to all. God bless.
Kristin,
I loved meeting with you guys, and especially with Brynn. I was there the morning she and Cullen were baptized and I think your blended family of choice is such a beautiful gift to both of them. Combining families is a hard thing, but so important for their futures.
Blessings,
Jessica
thankfully, I ran into some gals and guys in seminary who were (and are) an incredible gift of a family to me. glad you’re one of the friends in my “family of choice”.
My husband and I have both had “families of choice” that have been very meaningful in our lives. I think the other thing one could ask is whether one’s “family of destination” has the hospitality within it to become a “family of choice” for others. Thanks for this thoughtful post.
Thanks for bringing up hospitality, Ruth Anne. I do think that’s the heart of how friends become family. Spending time with the family that has so graciously welcomed Jim and me into their fold makes me want to work on our own practice of hospitality to others.
When my husband recently had a heart attack at the young age of 47, our “family of choice” stood in the gap until our families of origin could get to The Woodlands. One of those families lives in The Woodlands and the other lives in Louisiana and just happened to be staying with us for a couple of days. These are dear friends we have had for 25 years and we have all lived in different cities, but God brought us all together in the waiting room on that one day where we prayed and comforted each other as my husband had a stent inserted into his blocked artery. I was so thankful that God had chosen this family to be with us on this most difficult day and stand amazed at his divine intervention in such a personal way.
Kenda,
Those crisis times really reveal who our true family is. I’m so amazed at God’s timing of having your good friends from Louisiana already here to surround you with love and support. I’m also thankful Bryan is doing so well. God is good!
Blessings,
~Jessica
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I like this. Thanks for writing such a wonderful story. We are glad to have you, Jim, and Drew as part of our family.
I am blessed with many different types of family! I have my family of origin, my family of destination, and my “chosen” family. My “chosen” family has many different parts, I have my precious Bible Babes who I pray with, share with, play with, study God’s word with, and who are like my sisters in Christ. I have my “chosen” family of the Rogers who have been my life line during struggles and are second parents and siblings to my children. And finally I have my “chosen” family who have chosen to follow in the beliefs set forth in the Bible. I am truly blessed. I love them all!