What’s following you home?
Nothing like having someone looking over your shoulder to make you more mindful of your actions. To make you measure your motivations, anticipate your words. All in a way you would not if you were acting alone.
I’ve spent most of the summer so far with a shadow: Our church’s Pastoral Intern, Travis, who has just finished his first year in seminary at Duke Divinity School. Travis’s job this summer is to watch and learn. To try on the identity of being a pastor and see how it fits. He has lots of wonderful gifts that will serve him well in ministry, including the gift of asking tough questions. More on that later.
In our first few weeks together there was one day in particular packed with appointments. It was one of those days that makes ministry both rewarding and exhausting. We finished the day around 7 P.M. and drove back to the church together, which gave us time to process a few of the day’s events:
Coffee with a man in his fifties who is sensing a call to serve in full-time ministry and asking questions about seminary. Leaving a successful career to follow God’s calling is tough. It feels like both a blessing and a challenge that God only provides us with enough “light for our feet” (Psalm 119:105) – showing us the next step and asking us to take it without necessarily knowing where those steps will eventually lead us.
A non-appointment (drop in) from a young mom with her two boys who showed up at the church requesting financial assistance. When turned down by the secretary for legitimate reasons she asked to see a pastor. This usually means trying to manipulate a pastor to go over someone else’s head, but I met with her with an open mind and tried to hear her needs. The most troubling part of her story, to me, was that her car had run out of gas in our parking lot. It was approaching 100 degrees outside, and she said she and her boys would have to walk to the next town to get home. I told her I couldn’t offer her cash, but that if she would bring the gas can in that was in her car I’d send Travis to fill it up with gas. I was also planning to have him pick up some food for her young boys, who were alarmingly quiet and still for their age while we talked. She left, promising to go out to her car and get the gas can. Thirty minutes later she still hadn’t returned. I really wanted her story to be true.
Time spent talking with a twelve year old girl and her parents. She’ll be baptized in our church this month along with her newborn half-brother. Since our baptism preparatory class is really for parents of very young children, I meet one-on-one with children who are at an age where they can understand for themselves what their baptism will mean. We all took turns (Travis included) making things out of Play-doh that related to baptism (a gift, a vessel for washing something, a family) and talked about what she was looking forward to about the special day before her. Sometimes I think kids “get it” even more than adults do. We ended our time together in the sanctuary standing where she and her baby brother will be baptized and praying with them and their family.
Finally, the last appointment of the day. The hardest. A family who lost their one-year-old daughter last November, and a neighborhood grieving with them. This young couple and their two children had only lived there for a short time when a car accident at the entrance of their neighborhood took the life of their 17-month-old little girl. They’ve since moved out of state to be closer to family while they grieve, but returned for a ceremony that evening where the neighborhood dedicated a park bench in the little girl’s honor in her favorite park.
I didn’t know the family, but one of our church members on the neighborhood council asked me to facilitate and speak at the short ceremony. No one was comfortable. No one knew what to say to the family. The family didn’t know what to say to their ex-neighbors. I had to say what needed to be said for all of them. It was a little like a funeral but more awkward, since I hadn’t met the family before that evening. At a funeral everyone is still numb because the loss is so recent. No numbness here. It was tough.
It was 7:00 by the time Travis and I left the neighborhood park and began driving back to the church. I was trying to be a good mentor and ask him questions about the day and what he had learned from our different interactions, but I was emotionally exhausted. We talked about the difficulty of remaining flexible in ministry: the struggle to be able to go from one setting to another, from one dramatically different conversation straight into another without blinking. Every person has to feel that they have your full attention. That they are the most important part of your day. Travis asked: How do you make those transitions? How do you let go of one conversation and step into the next? I answered him the best I could, not knowing if I had done the best job of it or not.
As we approached the church he asked: How do you make the last transition? My brain was garbled from the day. I didn’t know what he meant. He asked again: How do you make the last transition? How do you leave all this behind and go home to your family without carrying it with you? How do you stop being a pastor at the end of the day?
I don’t think I had a good answer for him. I had already called home and asked Jim to keep Drew up past his bedtime so I’d have a chance to see him for just a few minutes. Selfishly I think I wanted that more for me than for him. I needed to hug him. To hold him tight. To try hard to leave that family behind, back in the park, watching their one child play and knowing there should have been another. A little one almost exactly my little one’s age. Drew had been on my mind throughout the ceremony where we talked about their little girl. I had taken him with me in my thoughts while I talked about her. Now I was bringing her home with me while I rushed to squeeze the last few minutes out of the day with him.
How do you leave it behind? Some days I’m not sure I can. But I have to keep trying to find a way. Travis isn’t the only one looking over my shoulder. Drew needs a mommy, not a pastor. He’s watching me. Shadowing me. He needs to know he’s the most important part of my day. He’s going to be looking to see if part of me lingers back a the church or if I am fully his. Fully present while singing him Jesus Loves Me. Gathering the stuffed animals that will accompany him safely to sleep. Squeezing him extra tight.
Is it easy for you to leave work behind at the end of the day? Or do you find yourself bringing it home with you?
WOW!!! Such a great blog this morning, Jessica, and exactly what I needed after a late night myself in my office last night and a sleepless night of “Edgemares”. (Camp starts on Sunday and the lists of things to do keep rolling in my mind) Although I’m not a pastor, I have found that working along side pastors carries the same occupational hazard for me. I bring my family to work with me (always figuratively and sometimes literally) and I bring my work home. I find myself up at 3 in the morning worrying about the student who is struggling with school, family, drinking, drugs, sex way too early, friend drama……….and then I start worrying about my own four….and all the lines get blurry!
So many times, as I’ve talked to friends and loved ones about the struggles and stresses of their jobs, I’ve made the statement, “it’s just a job!” But something has occurred to me over the last year of working at a church – it can’t be just a job! I think it has to be a call. It has to be more than “just a job!” Even for those who aren’t officially called ministers ##- who would have thought?
But being fully present is so important and I’m not fully sure I know how to do it. Living life with a shadow is helpful though. When I got home last night, this note was waiting for me in the chair that is usually mine in the living room: Hi mom I rilly rilly miss you! I hope you come up stares and say good night. (Heart) Emma. And so I ran upstairs and climbed in bed for a big hug and a moment to be fully present.
Thanks for this reminder and for all you do for the families at our church, Reverend Mother. I appreciate the lessons you teach and I try to learn!
Shelby,
Those moments to cuddle them at the end of a long day mean more than ever, don’t they? I definitely believe working for the church is a calling and a ministry, even if your job title doesn’t have the word “pastor” in it. You do so much for so many.
Blessings,
Jessica
When we’re ordained we’re asked to give ourselves wholly to the ministry. One way to read that is that our only job will be working for the church, that we won’t take on any other jobs. The other way to read it is that there are no boundaries between ministry-life and non-ministry-life. Or, put differently, there is NO non-ministry life.
I know I don’t have a solution for this for myself. My situation is further complicated by the fact that my wife also works for the church. I may get home for the day, “finished” with my work and find her still at work. Or my getting home might be what allows her to shift to her church work. And as The Pastor how do I manage identities of “husband” and “boss?”
A couple of ideas come to mind:
1. We too easily identify “ministry” and “church work.” Sometimes they are the same thing. Other times they seem antithetical.
2. When I am at work I am about proclaiming and instantiating the Kingdom of God. When I go home, though my audience might be different, I cannot set aside my call to proclaim and instantiate the Kingdom.
3. I know by experience that I too often leave good things undone at home and with my family for the sake of doing good things with the church & church folk. I need to be willing to leave more good things undone at church for the sake of doing good things with my family.
Very insightful, Richard. I especially love your last point. No one can do everything. Something will always be left unfinished or imperfect. If we shortchange our families over and over again I think we’ll see the effects in the long run.
~Jessica
Thanks for the query, Jessica. I’ve found that since becoming a Mom I have to be much more regimented about who I am where. When I am at the office (or during work hours at home) I am first professor, second Mommy. When I am home, on vacation, or on an outing I am Mommy first, professor second. The Mommy-first mode means that phone calls, e-mails, and curriculum prep is pushed past my kids’ bedtime (and therefore often deferred to the next day), really cool conversations are ditched, and sometimes important networking opportunities neglected. I don’t jump right on that opportunity to do “x” and I don’t bring to perfection that lesson plan. In Mommy-first mode I often repeat to myself Brent Strawn’s wise quote (spoken to me the day after Noel’s birth): “Good enough.” Very hard for me. The Professor-first mode means that if I’ve paid for the childcare, the babysitter is here, or I’m in the middle of a lecture series on a Wednesday night at a church my family has also been invited to, my job performance comes first. If there is blood, I run for the crisis. Otherwise, my children must wait. Also very hard for me. Life is surely not simple anymore. A chunk of my heart is always somewhere else. But as I know you know, I would not give up the dance for anything.
Sandy,
Toggling back and forth between worlds can be a bit exhausting, but so worth it. Someone (Kimberly Dunnam Reismann) also shared the words of “good enough is good enough” with me (similar to your words from Brent Strawn). Those have been lifesavers. It’s OK to make a B+ in one area while making an A in the other. It’s when one of them slips below a C- that I feel like a failure and have to remind myself that I’m not. And I don’t want to make too many C-‘s at home.
When you came to Asbury you were the first professor I knew doing the full time professor and mom thing at the same time. Your example means more than you know.
Blessings,
Jessica
My wife has often asked me in the thirty five years that we have shared the ministry together if God called me 265/24/7? I have never been able to give her a concise answer since my call doesn’t leave my life when I remove my clergy collar or hang my suit in the closet. The very best I can do is practice “self care” so that I have energy and attention available for my family. An old pastor once told me that Jesus gives us a spring of living water from which to draw strength and that we are a local spigot to our congregation for that living water BUT if we don’t stop dispensing water our well will run dry.
The very best advice I can give is to say that you have to block out time for family each and every day as well as larger chunks every week for your spouse. Don’t feel guilty about saying NO when it infringes on your “self care” because that was God’s first commandment to humanity. For this reason and person leaves their birth family and cleaves unto themselves a helpmate.
You are so much more effective and a useful tool for the Lord when you are fulfilled in your personal relationships. (Thus ends the sermon for the day) 🙂
Really struggled with this for most of my years in pastoral ministry. The last five years before retirement, We were able to move into our own home. It made all the difference in the world. To be honest living in a parsonage made it hard for me to totally disconnect from the affairs of the church. To be clear, no one made me feel that way. It was my own issue, but living in our own house freed me from those feelings.
Thank you so much for this. It actually brought tears to my eyes. As a young mom/pastor I struggle so much with this. I was supposed to be at a meeting at 7pm tonight but my 3 year old planted herself in front of the door and refused to let me leave. Never having seen her be so adamant before I made a choice: family over church. It’s always a choice, though, and in some very real ways it feels as though you never can win.
Stephanie,
Those choices come up every day, don’t they? More than anyone from the outside can see. You made the right one, to be with your daughter when she needed you. Sometimes you’ll have to choose the church. It’s almost never an easy call.
Blessings,
Jessica
Jessica, you describe this challenge so well, and it is so apparent on such a busy day. Really resonates with me. It reminds me that when I was in seminary, I met a young woman (in her 20s) whose mother was a pastor all through her growing-up years, and now here she was, seeking ordination as well. We weren’t close and haven’t kept in touch, but now I wish I had asked her, “How did your mom do it? How did she manage to be a faithful, effective pastor, and raise a daughter who would come to love both her mother and the church?”
Taylor,
We should gather a bunch of PK’s and interview them. I’ve always been curious about how they survived with their faith intact. I want my son to have his own love for and relationship with the Church, second to his relationship to Jesus. If you have any tips, please share!
Blessings,
~Jessica
In CPE we had a young mom who struggled with transitions and found it helpful to make a ritual of washing her hands upon arrival to the nursing home and taking that moments to be prayerful and present to her ministry that day, and upon leaving work once again washing away the worries and concerns of her work to leave them in that place to be picked up again the next day, but not taken home with her to her kids. She found it very helpful to mark the transition with a physical and prayerful act.
Rev Sarah,
I’m sometimes a little envious of those who have a significant commute from work to home. Although traffic and time away from kids would be frustrating, it might mark that kind of transition you’re talking about. I’m trying to stop for a minute of prayer in the parking lot before coming into church. At home, though, I’m too impatient to see my baby so I rush in as fast as I can!
Blessings,
~Jessica
Hey, Jessica, just added you to my toolbar. Now I can just click and up you’ll pop!
Painful and beautiful. Know exactly what you mean. Working medically, you get to experience and love on hurting individuals and families. I used to fight the pain but now I see there is a precious hidden blessing in experiences like this. A chance to step back and see more clearly the blessing of my own sweet children that God has entrusted us to raise. When experiences like this happen for me, I take a moment to thank God for this experience, pray and grieve for the other family’s loss (I have to or I can’t move on), then move on to just being Hunter and Rianna’s Mommy. So proud of Stephanie for putting her 3 year old 1st. As laity I would fully support any of my Reverend’s for such a good choice.
Thanks Lois. You know that there are daily choices for any mom about how to balance our own needs and our kids’ needs. I find myself stumbling along, sometimes making wrong decisions, but always learning from them.
Blessings,
~Jessica
My favorite entry so far, Jessica.
Addressed some things I’ve always wondered about – it’s cool to get a peak behind the curtain.
I did stuggle with this (and still do to a point.) Then, I got this cancer stuff. The blessing in that is it can clarify things. I changed when I realized that my time is limited and I’ll be facing my Lord and Savior for real! So, with the foundation that God is in everything, I readjusted.
First – God created me to be me. I try and do that more and less of being who the church expects me to be. Second – after God and me, comes my family. They are always more important than my job. Third – this work that God called me to.
And you know what? When I started doing less, the church stepped up. I finally saw people growing in Holiness as I stopped trying to do it for them. So, how do I transition? I honestly began to believe that scripture – “don’t worry about tomorrow.”
Capri,
Thanks for helping me keep things in perspective. So appreciated!
Blessings,
~Jessica
Tina,
So glad you’re serving with Guy! What a great “guy” and a great pastor.
Thanks for your comments here and blessings on your ministry.
~Jessica
I just love this blog entry! You have hit exactly on one of the most difficult tasks we share as mothers. The transitions are necessary in all circumstances. I really struggle with this and do have long commute everyday to and from work. I use that time to debrief whatever difficult cases or patients I have had to process throughout the day. One of my biggest struggles is laying down the “doctor hat” and putting on “the wife hat.” In my field, decision making must be quick and clear. Many times a delay in diagnosing or treating the problem can have catastrophic consequences. Often, my tone to my husband comes across the same way. (ouchy!) I can see it in his face when I’ve been too abrupt. It tends to be worse on the more stressful days. I too am guilty of keeping the girls up just so I can see them and love on them. Just last night, I went into Hannah’s room, picked her up, and rocked her while she was sleeping so that I could smell her sweet breath and love on her.
My “lay it down” transition is just to sing praises which redirects my attention to the cross.
Bryce,
The impulse to talk to our husbands/kids the way we talk to people (or want to talk to people) at work… that’s a whole other level of this struggle, isn’t it?
My guess is that your profession and mine have some significant overlap. Blessings as you continue to balance it all!
~Jessica
Thank you for such a wonderful post. As a pastor and a mommy, I struggle with many of the issues that you do. Last year, I came to the realization that God calls us to be good enough not perfect. There is no way that I can be a perfect pastor, perfect wife, perfect mother, but there is a way that I can be good enough. Letting go of the perfection has made it much easier to say no and not feel so guilty over it. I think finding balance in our personal and professional lives is a constant struggle. Thank you for your words of wisdom, always helpful to hear other pastor mommies going through the same thing as you are.
Gena,
I totally agree with the “not feeling guilty” part. Guilt is another layer that we just don’t need – but often inflict on ourselves.
Enjoyed reading your comment – hope you’ll continue to visit!
~Jessica
To be able to successfully pull off taking a “psychological shower” at the end of each day is probably more a function of personality type than almost anything else like the task oriented vs. person oriented makeup. My hunch is that “person-oriented” people find that much more difficult to pull off.
Jessica, as I read your post, I relived my own career as a social worker. I loved working with people in different kinds of situations. It did indeed take a lot of emotional energy. I had to balance the energy given in helping others and the energy needed at home for my children. Sometimes the balance went well; other times it did not! I suppose that is the case in any profession where one works with people. Thanks for so aptly describing what it is like for you and the reminder that God sees us through it all.
Thanks Nelda. I’m sure being a social worker has some of the same hallmarks of being a pastor. You pour your heart into people’s lives and problems and have to remember to have some left over for your own family. Thanks for the reminder that sometimes we balance well and sometimes we don’t – we just keep trying!
Powerful Jes! What a good picture of the ups and downs of daily pastoral ministry! I have watched Garry over the years handle these transitions beautifully, but I know it’s hard to do… Now that family transition, that is tough! Sometimes it takes someone like a three year old standing in the door, or a spouse speaking the truth, to keep us in balance.
Cindy,
You and Garry are a great example of bringing ministry and family together in one sphere so they each bless the other. Thanks for showing me how it’s done.
Blessings,
~Jessica
Great insight. As a pastor’s wife, I see all of these things from a little bit of a distance. Your blog makes me want to be more understanding: of the man who shows up at our house looking for gas money; of the meetings at all hours; of the funerals and all they entail; of the time spent getting ready for camp; etc… Ministry is definitely a calling for the entire family. I pray that I can respond with love to all the demands and show them the way to love others. Thanks for your blog.
Thanks Sue. Pastors’ spouses are closer to this issue than anyone I know because they are providing the support that makes both family and ministry possible. That’s a tough job. Thanks for your faithfulness.
Blessings,
~Jessica
Major thanks for the article post. Will read on…
thank you for this beautiful reminder that my son is always watching… bless you.
Jessica, Just getting to this blog today…been busy with the family 🙂
Wanted to share a few thoughts with you….better late than never…
First, as I read this blog it reminded me of a term I used and studied when writing my dissertation years ago. You, me, and many people who have commented here, are in a “high touch” profession. What that translates to is the fact that you are close enough to touch others and to be touched by them…..and it means that you must be mindful of the tole and the need to resore your own resources before they are too depleted.
Your comments also reminded me of how many times. Day I am thankful for a well functioning marriage and family. As a psychologist I see and hear about the myriad ways human interactions can go so wrong. I try to let it remind me of the blessings I get to come home to so that I can cherish them each day when I am home.
The other thing I wanted to share is a practice my husband and I have done for many years. It is very easy, and for us, very effective. No matter what I have worn to work that day, whether jeans or a suit, the first thing I do when I get home is change clothes. I “take the day off” and put on something different. To me it is more than the figurative changing of hats and it helps me separate one role from the other.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts and ideas. Blessings for finding the balance.
Jenn,
I’ve said many times that I couldn’t do the job of a psychologist or counselor. In my profession those meetings with people about their needs and issues are just one part of my day. If it were all of my day I’m pretty sure I couldn’t handle it. I’m thankful for folks like you who are called to listen and heal!
And thanks for the pointer about “taking the day off” – sounds like a helpful ritual.
Blessings,
~Jessica
Sorry for the typos above…trying to get used to the iPad and posted before I could correct them 🙂 I think you get the ideas none the less.
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